Acceptance

There is a stir in the silence that I cant quite understand.

A ripple in the dark as I reach out my hand.

Its ungraspable, unfathomable, fluid in form.

It’s the dark before dawn, the eye of the storm.

It’s a tingle on my skin of something yet to be.

Something that is coming but no one can see.

I mediate in its presence, seeking answers that aren’t there.

Absorbing, recording the electric air.

A storm is brewing just off shore.

In the cold of the night , a forevermore.

I cant stop it, just accept it.

It is coming either way.

So I tether myself to weather myself against the onslaught of waves.

I’ve been here before.

The feeling familiar.

Like flowers, we bud, blossom, bloom and then wither.

It’s out of our hands.

Come what may.

Ive done my best at the end of the day.

The morning will be better, brighter with sun.

But as of this moment, Its in the darkness I roam.

I’ll be fine, no matter.

I’ve accepted its presence and what comes after.

Worry not for me , adaptation is life.

As for me, I worry more for those less accustomed to strife.

Their tether is weaker then the one which binds me.

And the waves with be harder on them, times three.

Something fell off the shelf…

How many extension cords do you have in your house? What about power strips? Did you know that electrical cords are one of the most used and yet abused tools that we have in our daily lives? I mean, I didn’t even really understand the extent of what they do until I looked closer.

On the website for the Electrical Safety Foundation International (ESFI) , they list several misuses of extension cords. I’ve pulled a few, as I feel they are related to this post, and listed them below:

Now, I know you’re wondering why you are reading about extension cords. Don’t worry, I’m getting there.

The reason it is important to use them properly is because the more you rely on them, the weaker your electrical current. Plug an extension cord or a power strip into the wall, you’re getting the strongest current available. One outlet, no division. Sole focus of power. However, plug another extension cord into the first, and what happens? You guessed it, the power from the original source is diminished. It now has to travel from the home source, through the first cord and now a second. By the time it gets to it’s destination, it’s less effective then it was when it began.

Now, take a power strip. (I bet you can see where I am going with this) Plug that power strip into the wall and you think you’re good to go, right? Man, you’ve got power and you’ve got multiple places to plug extra things into that one source. You’re golden!

Nope.

Once again, for every extra cord you add to that power strip, the weaker your energy source.

And this is where I am currently. (no pun intended. Ok, well, kinda)

For years, I have continued to rely on my single source, to power multiple things in my life. No one wants to do this? Don’t worry, I’ve got an outlet! No one wants to do that? It’s ok, I’ve got an outlet! But what I didn’t realize was that I was diminishing more and more each time. I was less effective, not as powerful and wasted a lot of energy (ok that one was intended).

It wasn’t until last Sunday that I realized, I’m burned out….

I’m overloaded….

I’ve lost track of my source…

As a family, we have our hands in a lot of different activities. Some of which we’ve taken on because no one else wanted to do it. We just kept plugging away until last week, I ran out. I woke up and felt physically sick at the thought of doing one…more…thing….

I broke.

I recently read a book from my Great American Read list, There Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston.

At first, I thought I picked this one by mistake but I now think God wanted to put this book in my path for this very moment. I’m trying to pick books off the list that I’ve never read before and it wasn’t until I began this one that I realized I actually HAD read this book in College. I hated, I mean HATED the book in college. I just didn’t get it then. But since I had already bought it this time, I thought I would give it another try. The second time around was much, much different. (Book review to come shortly on my reviews page). I could relate to the character so much more at a more experienced age, now, then in my 20’s. I wont give too much away because I’m saving it for my review, but there is one quote that has resonated inside of me and taken root.

she-stood-there-until-something-fell-off-the-shelf-inside-her-quote-1.jpg

And that’s what’s happened to me…

I know how this feels because I’ve felt it. I kept saying yes, kept making people happy, kept hiding some things, sharing others, protecting, creating, teaching, leading, overdoing until….

something fell off the shelf inside of me….and broke…..

About 7 years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is not just “having anxiety” but is actually considered a type of mental illness. I am unequipped to simply “let it go” or “stop worrying about it”. Man, if it were that easy, I’d be light as a feather! But I can’t. It actually really upsets me when people assume that I can and simply choose not too.

So, to help you better understand ME, here is what the Mayo Clinic says about it:

Overview

It’s normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if your life is stressful. However, excessive, ongoing anxiety and worry that are difficult to control and interfere with day-to-day activities may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.Generalized anxiety disorder has symptoms that are similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other types of anxiety, but they’re all different conditions.

Symptoms

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:

Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren’t
Difficulty handling uncertainty
Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind “goes blank”

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

Fatigue
Trouble sleeping
Muscle tension or muscle aches
Trembling, feeling twitchy
Nervousness or being easily startled
Sweating
Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
Irritability

There may be times when your worries don’t completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there’s no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.

Your anxiety, worry or physical symptoms cause you significant distress in social, work or other areas of your life. Worries can shift from one concern to another and may change with time and age.

Now that we’ve gotten the boring stuff out of the way, I hope you can better understand where I am coming from. I am needing to unplug in many ways. For instance, we’ve been regular participants in our Sunday School class now for ten years and I’ve been teaching it for nearly five.

However, today we announced my resignation. I’ve been torn up about this but this was an outlet that was becoming draining for me.

Since “the something” fell off the shelf last week, I’ve wanted to cry, scream, hide, and be silent, all at once.

When God leads us to do something, we are usually eager to jump on board. “Yes, Lord! I’m here, Lord! I’ll do it!” but what I think happens a lot, but no one listens, is when God leads us to just Be Still. To rest.

Being silent doesn’t get recognized. It’s not the call to action we all expect from God. But even God rested, on the seventh day. Why is it so unheard of that he would direct us to do the same? I want to cry even as I type this because it is so difficult for me to acknowledge that God is asking me to step away, not to jump in. This feels so unnatural for me. But it doesn’t change what I need to do.

You may ask yourself why I am sharing so much? Well, because if everyone is silent, then how can we ever realize how much we have in common? I know some of you see me and think you see this outgoing person who successfully juggles everything, who is social, who is unafraid, strong, etc.

It is my hope that by showing you all this that you will know that, at times, I am just as broken and overloaded and lost as everyone else. Am I going to loose faith over this? No. But I am going to step back, be silent and rest until I find my peace again.

Or at least I can clean up what has fallen off the shelf inside…

woman-alone-forest

Rainbows

I was sitting on the bleachers, waiting on my son’s ballgame to start, when I overheard a mother and daughter talking about the daughter’s science project. The daughter apparently was studying rainbows. She and her mother couldn’t agree on how many colors there were and in what order, for her project.

Of course, the next words I hear at “Siri, how many colors are there in the rainbow?” The answer fascinated me and so led to my further contemplation on the subject. (yes, I plan on leaving you hanging for a minute, so just sit tight).

A little bit of history: Around 1642, it was believed that colors were produced from light itself. Then came along Sir Isaac Newton who discovered that colors were actually comprised of the fracturing of white light through a prism. To test this theory, he shown light through a prism, onto a wall and had his friend mark lines between each color for him to later identify. This was the first proof that light didn’t make color but the FRACTURING of light did.

Light-through-prism

By now, you’ve had time to probably stop and Google the answer. How many colors are in the rainbow? If you guessed 7, you’d be wrong. Sir Isaac Newton identified SEVEN, yes. Those colors are Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet. But that is just what he could SEE. The rainbow itself is made up of colors that aren’t even visible to the human eye, ranging from Ultra-violet to infrared.

Visible-Spectrum

So, to recap, rainbows are made of white light or the light of the sun, fractured through prisms, glass, water, raindrops, etc. There are thousands of shades of colors but our eyes can only see a tiny fraction of what is actually there.

Recently, I could really relate to this idea. You know the phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” I feel like I’ve lived that a good majority of my life. People think they know who I am because they see me as “The Preacher’s kid”, “Tim’s wife”, “Owen & Noah’s mother”. I don’t mind theses titles, those colors are present to be seen, but there are so many others that aren’t. I try to live my life in a constant state of expansion. If you’re not growing, thriving, learning, then you are living a stagnant life. Content to stay where you are, stuck in your ways, never knowing anything more then what you know at this exact moment. What fun is that?

With this in mind, I see my life as a spectrum in itself. Depending on what device is used, some times I’m bold and some times I’m weaker and sometimes I feel barely visible. But I am also always evolving from one shade to another in an attempt to be the best self I’ve been created to be.

And while the titles that are true, the colors that are present, don’t bother me, it’s the ones that aren’t that do. To be more clear, what is the color black? What is darkness? Black is actually not a color at all. It is the ABSENCE of color. Just as there is no such thing as darkness. Darkness is just the absence of light. And what bothers me the most, is when people judge me or think they know me by what colors they THINK they see. I once was called “Tender hearted” as if that was a weakness, a black in my rainbow. But each persons eyes interpret things differently. The person who said this saw that trait as a weaker color, where as I see it as a bolder one and not black all. Very much like the internet phenomenon of “What color is this dress”

The_Dress_(viral_phenomenon)

Btw, I see blue and gold.

So what does this all come down too? It’s not about rainbows or book covers or dresses. My point is that we can’t always see the full spectrum. So, next time you act like you know the full story or how a person really is, maybe you should adjust your light.

Because I’ve got colors you’ve never seen.

energia-positiva-3