Something fell off the shelf…

How many extension cords do you have in your house? What about power strips? Did you know that electrical cords are one of the most used and yet abused tools that we have in our daily lives? I mean, I didn’t even really understand the extent of what they do until I looked closer.

On the website for the Electrical Safety Foundation International (ESFI) , they list several misuses of extension cords. I’ve pulled a few, as I feel they are related to this post, and listed them below:

Now, I know you’re wondering why you are reading about extension cords. Don’t worry, I’m getting there.

The reason it is important to use them properly is because the more you rely on them, the weaker your electrical current. Plug an extension cord or a power strip into the wall, you’re getting the strongest current available. One outlet, no division. Sole focus of power. However, plug another extension cord into the first, and what happens? You guessed it, the power from the original source is diminished. It now has to travel from the home source, through the first cord and now a second. By the time it gets to it’s destination, it’s less effective then it was when it began.

Now, take a power strip. (I bet you can see where I am going with this) Plug that power strip into the wall and you think you’re good to go, right? Man, you’ve got power and you’ve got multiple places to plug extra things into that one source. You’re golden!

Nope.

Once again, for every extra cord you add to that power strip, the weaker your energy source.

And this is where I am currently. (no pun intended. Ok, well, kinda)

For years, I have continued to rely on my single source, to power multiple things in my life. No one wants to do this? Don’t worry, I’ve got an outlet! No one wants to do that? It’s ok, I’ve got an outlet! But what I didn’t realize was that I was diminishing more and more each time. I was less effective, not as powerful and wasted a lot of energy (ok that one was intended).

It wasn’t until last Sunday that I realized, I’m burned out….

I’m overloaded….

I’ve lost track of my source…

As a family, we have our hands in a lot of different activities. Some of which we’ve taken on because no one else wanted to do it. We just kept plugging away until last week, I ran out. I woke up and felt physically sick at the thought of doing one…more…thing….

I broke.

I recently read a book from my Great American Read list, There Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston.

At first, I thought I picked this one by mistake but I now think God wanted to put this book in my path for this very moment. I’m trying to pick books off the list that I’ve never read before and it wasn’t until I began this one that I realized I actually HAD read this book in College. I hated, I mean HATED the book in college. I just didn’t get it then. But since I had already bought it this time, I thought I would give it another try. The second time around was much, much different. (Book review to come shortly on my reviews page). I could relate to the character so much more at a more experienced age, now, then in my 20’s. I wont give too much away because I’m saving it for my review, but there is one quote that has resonated inside of me and taken root.

And that’s what’s happened to me…

I know how this feels because I’ve felt it. I kept saying yes, kept making people happy, kept hiding some things, sharing others, protecting, creating, teaching, leading, overdoing until….

something fell off the shelf inside of me….and broke…..

About 7 years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is not just “having anxiety” but is actually considered a type of mental illness. I am unequipped to simply “let it go” or “stop worrying about it”. Man, if it were that easy, I’d be light as a feather! But I can’t. It actually really upsets me when people assume that I can and simply choose not too.

So, to help you better understand ME, here is what the Mayo Clinic says about it:

Overview

It’s normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if your life is stressful. However, excessive, ongoing anxiety and worry that are difficult to control and interfere with day-to-day activities may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.Generalized anxiety disorder has symptoms that are similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other types of anxiety, but they’re all different conditions.

Symptoms

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:

• Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
• Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
• Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren’t
• Difficulty handling uncertainty
• Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
• Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
• Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
• Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind “goes blank”

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

• Fatigue
• Trouble sleeping
• Muscle tension or muscle aches
• Trembling, feeling twitchy
• Nervousness or being easily startled
• Sweating
• Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
• Irritability

There may be times when your worries don’t completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there’s no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.

Your anxiety, worry or physical symptoms cause you significant distress in social, work or other areas of your life. Worries can shift from one concern to another and may change with time and age.

Now that we’ve gotten the boring stuff out of the way, I hope you can better understand where I am coming from. I am needing to unplug in many ways. For instance, we’ve been regular participants in our Sunday School class now for ten years and I’ve been teaching it for nearly five.

However, today we announced my resignation. I’ve been torn up about this but this was an outlet that was becoming draining for me.

Since “the something” fell off the shelf last week, I’ve wanted to cry, scream, hide, and be silent, all at once.

When God leads us to do something, we are usually eager to jump on board. “Yes, Lord! I’m here, Lord! I’ll do it!” but what I think happens a lot, but no one listens, is when God leads us to just Be Still. To rest.

Being silent doesn’t get recognized. It’s not the call to action we all expect from God. But even God rested, on the seventh day. Why is it so unheard of that he would direct us to do the same? I want to cry even as I type this because it is so difficult for me to acknowledge that God is asking me to step away, not to jump in. This feels so unnatural for me. But it doesn’t change what I need to do.

You may ask yourself why I am sharing so much? Well, because if everyone is silent, then how can we ever realize how much we have in common? I know some of you see me and think you see this outgoing person who successfully juggles everything, who is social, who is unafraid, strong, etc.

It is my hope that by showing you all this that you will know that, at times, I am just as broken and overloaded and lost as everyone else. Am I going to loose faith over this? No. But I am going to step back, be silent and rest until I find my peace again.

Or at least I can clean up what has fallen off the shelf inside…